When I was a very, very small child (between 2 and 4), I was molested by my biological paternal grandfather. For reasons still unknown to me, my parents decided to hide that information. I asked a couple of times if something had happened (ages 8, 11, and 17, and 20), and was told (usually in a very harsh tone) that NOTHING had happened and to DROP the subject. And so, when I got older and began having dreams about sexual acts with that man, I became convinced that I was going to Hell, straight to Hell, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. I mean, what kind of person has those kinds of dreams about a GRANDFATHER?!?!
Me.
And according to what I was taught in church, that made me an abomination in God's eyes. Unworthy, ugly, unlovable. A monster!
This is who I want to be:
Patient, kind, trustworthy, loving; someone who trusts others, believes in them and always finds something to love about them. I want people to feel safe around me, happy when they are with me.
I have always wanted to be that person.
But this is who I really was:
Judging, jealous, and envious--always judging others, always looking at their faults and failures so I could say to myself, "Well, at least I don't do that," or, "well, at least I'm not like that," and feel better about myself.
Manipulating--I did, or said whatever I needed to in order to get what I wanted. I lied, cheated people, stole from people, even used my children to manipulate people so that others would do what I wanted them to.
Untrustworthy--If I knew something about someone and they made me mad, I would use my knowledge against them to manipulate and try to control them. I would tell anyone's secrets if it would benefit me in some way.
When I got angry with someone, I fought the way I was taught by my parents; I said the most hurtful, most horrible, most guilt-causing things I could say. Because I believed that everything had to be my way, or not at all.
Who am I today?
I am searching for my place in this world. I am trying to "own up" to my past mistakes. I am ready to take responsibility for all the hurtful things I have done to those around me. I am ready to try to make amends if possible, and if not, to at least acknowledge my actions and ask for forgiveness from them.
I am ready to begin forgiving those who have hurt me. That is a hard journey, so I can see how those I have hurt might not want to forgive me.
I wish I could go back and make better choices. If only . . . right?
Tonight I would say this to God:
You tell us in Jeremiah that You have good plans for our lives, so why then do You allow our childhoods to be sabotaged at such an early age? Why don't You protect us from the things that warp our little psyches, and convince us that we are mosnters, unlovable and unworthy. I understand that there came a point in my life when I became responsible for the wrong decisions in my life. But by the age of 8 I was convinced that I was so terrible You would never love me, no matter what. How do I overcome my feelings of guilt for harming others, especially my children? Why do you give us parents who destroy us?
How do I get past this to find You again?
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