Head Knowledge vs. Heart Knowledge

I am participating in a Celebrate Recovery group at my church. CR is a Christ centered 12 step program that deals not only with alcoholism or drug addiction, but also with past hurts, resentments, other addictions, codependency, anger, and other hang-ups we have.

I joined the program because of the resentment I sometimes feel towards my parents and things that happened with them in my past. I wanted to work through those feelings and get past them. But a funny thing happened.

While working through some of my resentments and studying what it means to walk in true love towards my family and friends, I discovered that I don’t really believe that God loves me. By that I mean that even though I grew up in church and heard over and over and over and over that He loves everyone, because of my “secret” and the terrible things I did, I don’t believe in my heart that He can look past all that and love me.

I also discovered another truth that I don’t have heart knowledge of. I don’t trust God to take care of me. I deliberately walked away from church and God when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Sara. Making a long story short, I was an active believer and had two babies who were born early and lived only a few hours. When I found out I was pregnant with Sara, I couldn’t take the chance that God would let another baby die. I walked away from that life and, not surprisingly, Satan seemed to leave me alone. Sara was a healthy baby.

My goal now is to regain my heart belief of His love and my ability to trust Him. Am I alone in this?

If I could sit with God in person tonight and share my thoughts and feelings, this is what I would say:

You said in Your Word that You would give us the desires of our hearts.Since September I have lived according to Your Word and the desire of my heart is to have a relationship with You that is more intimate and more real than anything I have ever experienced. I am seeking you with all my strength, just like You said in Jeremiah—and you promised that if I seek you with all my heart, that I will find you. I want heart knowledge of your love and I want to trust you.