With a Little Help From My Friends

After a long spell of having not too many people in my life that I considered "true" friends, these days I find myself surrounded by people who truly love me with Christ's love and are here to help me, to encourage me, to hold my feet to the fire, so-to-speak. My Celebrate Recovery family is a family like my blood family can't be, they are walking this Christian walk alongside me, learning the same lessons, going through the same steps, and sometimes struggling with the same things I am.

Lately I have been struggling with my tongue and with resentment. I have resentment from past hurts and lately I can't seem to keep my mouth shut about these feelings. And once I say one thing, other things start spilling out right behind the first. Each sentence gets harsher as I grow angrier from hearing my own words. In my mind I am thinking to myself "Stop it! Shut your mouth!" When I finally am able to shut my mouth and stop the hateful words, I can see the devastation they have caused on the faces around me.

So tonight as I confessed my sin to others in my group, I asked them for scripture to study about resentment, about the relationship between parent and child, about the forgiveness of God, so that I can study the Word this week and have victory over this terrible thing. I know these precious women will help me.

Tonight, this is what I have to say to God:

Thank you, Lord, for giving me these wonderful women to walk with me on this journey. Thank you for their compassion and their encouragement. Forgive me for letting my resentment get the better of me, and help me learn more about controlling my tongue so that I don't hurt others. Please help me to see people through Your eyes of Love and Compassion. Your commandment to me is to love my neighbor as myself. Help me live that commandment. Help me show other people Your love.

Tests, Traps, Thorns, and Various Other Obstacles to My PERFECT Walk

Tonight I thank the Lord that although I am not where I want to be in my Walk, Praise God I am not where I used to be!!

Today I encountered a test in my love walk. I failed. As a matter of fact, I didn’t just fail . . . I bombed so completely miserably that the aftermath looked (and felt) like a nuclear bomb had detonated.

I love this person dearly, but this is one of two people in my life who can push my buttons like no other. I don’t think I even made it ten seconds after the argument started before I was yelling at the top of my lungs, screaming accusations and insults. Whew! It was bad.

I could hear the Holy Spirit when it first started, prompting me to STOP TALKING and pray before I spoke hurtful words. But I ignored Him because things were said that hurt me. He kept at me, even though I only got louder. It finally got to the point that I had to shut my mouth and leave the premises.

Nothing I say will ever change this person’s mind about how awful I am and how badly I treat people. But I argue away regardless. I say hateful, hurtful, rude things because I can push her buttons too. And the whole time those mean words were spewing out of my mouth I knew it was wrong and felt helpless to stop. When I was finally able to drag myself away before saying even more, the Holy Spirit immediately started telling me to  . . . apologize . . . RIGHT NOW!

I still haven’t apologized. It would be a sign of weakness, wouldn’t it? That’s what I tell myself. This person has gone too far this time. I need to  show her that I can live without speaking to her or seeing her or having any part of her. Isn’t that what we do? To our parents, our children, our good friends, the important people in our lives? That’s what I do.

If I apologize, then she gets away with being hateful, hurtful and ugly to me. Can’t let that happen.

She’s to blame for my failures. It’s all her fault. I can’t help how I act when I’m around her, right? We all have people like this in our lives, don’t we? Don’t you? A sister, a parent, a child, a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker.

She must be the thorn in my side. She’s the trap Satan uses to offend me and keep me in a pit. She’s the test in love that I cannot pass, no matter how hard I try. She’s the stumbling block that keeps me from moving forward with God.

Or is she?

The truth of the matter is that I am responsible for my life. No one else is. I chose the way I react to people. If a stranger had said the things that were said today, I could have tried to be understanding and compassionate. I wouldn’t have lost my temper, but even if I had, it wouldn’t have been to that extent. My actions were wrong, regardless. That’s not the way God wants me to behave toward another one of His children.

While there may not be anything I can say to prove that I am a good person, there are things I can do to show love and compassion and understanding to others. Actions really do speak louder than words and today my actions were those of a spoiled, temper-tantrum throwing brat. I am not proud of my behavior today. I will work hard to not repeat it.

Tonight I would say to God:

Forgive me for my bad behavior. Forgive the wrong reactions I had and the meanness I showed toward one of your children. I will do better about getting along and being peaceful and calm. Thank you that Your mercies begin anew every morning, and that You give me more and more grace.

Jesus loves me, this I KNOW!

In my post about the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge, I said to God:

Please heal me and restore me to the joy I once
knew with you. Please help me find the heart knowledge
of Your love for me.

Thanks to the prayers of those who read this and prayed with me and to the constant prayers of my accountability partners in CR, God has granted that request.

On Thursday evening, April 7, He used my accountability partners to show me that the things we often feel are so bad that God could never forgive, are such small matters in the big picture of it all.

Fearing that when I confessed my sins to them, my CR partners would turn and walk away from me, I screwed up my courage and admitted my sin to them. Then I waited for the scorn, the abandonment. It never came. They looked at me with understanding, love, and compassion and reassured me that they were still there for me; that they are in this journey with me, no matter what.

Later that evening during my prayer time, God spoke to my heart and said, “If mere humans are not moved by your shortcomings, why do you think that I, your Lord and God, would be?"

God uses such simple pictures for us to understand. He often tells me how He feels about me by the way I feel about my four year-old. He loves me more than I love her.

He loves me! My God loves me deeply! I know this now. In my hearts of hearts this is true and that knowledge will never change. I will spend the rest of my life acknowledging that love and trying to share it with other people by my actions. I want people to SEE Him in me. And I want them to desire what I have.

Thanks to all who prayed with me.

Tonight I would say to God:

Thank you for loving me no matter what. I open myself completely to you. Fill me with Yourself so that people see the difference in my actions and hear the difference in my words and attitudes. Teach me to share You with people in a way that draws them to You rather than turning them from You.

God Promises Me . . . . (and you too)

I'm broken tonight. Crushed by a situation I put myself into. Where was God when I got myself into this mess? I know where He was. He was right there wanting to tell me the right way to go, which decision to make. But I had pushed Him aside years before this decision was made and wouldn't have listened to Him even if I could have heard Him. I could run my own life. Sound familiar?

And Satan is really trying to beat me up tonight. Have you ever heard this record in your mind?

      " You knew that decision was wrong and did it anyway so you deserve this pain. All those years, WASTED and now it's too late to do anything for God. Besides, 17 years of sin is an awful lot for Him to overlook . . . oh sure, He'll forgive you and all like He said, but you KNOW you won't ever be worth anything to Him, right? You had your chance and you blew it. All you are worth now is filling a pew on Sunday mornings and being an example to all the children, youth and young people of what not to do!"

Yes, I know those are lies. I know in my head that those words are lies. I'm trying hard to make God's Promises to me into heart knowlege. Tonight I'm standing on these:

But I will never stop loving her, not let My promise to her fail. No, I will not break my covenant; I will not take back a single word I said. ~Ps.89:33-34

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in me will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Phil. 1:6

God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. ~Ps. 46:1

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me: your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of Your hands. ~Ps. 138:8

The Lord is close to those who are brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Ps. 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows]. ~Ps. 147:3

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. ~Zeph.3:17

Tonight I can only lay before the Lord in my grief, but this is what I have to say:

Forgive me Father. I knew when I walked away from you that it was wrong but I was so hurt and allowed myself to be mislead. Then a few years later I made a choice that destroyed my life, the lives of my children, and the lives of others whom I love dearly. I know that You are rearranging my life so that I may have the life Your Word promises. But it hurts and I am devastated, angry, full of remorse and guilt, hate and love, and regret for the many years I wasted. I can't do anything but cry before you tonight. Your Word Says in Romans 8:28:

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

I do love you, Father. I hope I am called according to your purpose. Please forgive me. Please heal me and restore me to the joy I once knew with you. Please help me find the heart knowlege of Your love for me.

Head Knowledge vs. Heart Knowledge

I am participating in a Celebrate Recovery group at my church. CR is a Christ centered 12 step program that deals not only with alcoholism or drug addiction, but also with past hurts, resentments, other addictions, codependency, anger, and other hang-ups we have.

I joined the program because of the resentment I sometimes feel towards my parents and things that happened with them in my past. I wanted to work through those feelings and get past them. But a funny thing happened.

While working through some of my resentments and studying what it means to walk in true love towards my family and friends, I discovered that I don’t really believe that God loves me. By that I mean that even though I grew up in church and heard over and over and over and over that He loves everyone, because of my “secret” and the terrible things I did, I don’t believe in my heart that He can look past all that and love me.

I also discovered another truth that I don’t have heart knowledge of. I don’t trust God to take care of me. I deliberately walked away from church and God when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Sara. Making a long story short, I was an active believer and had two babies who were born early and lived only a few hours. When I found out I was pregnant with Sara, I couldn’t take the chance that God would let another baby die. I walked away from that life and, not surprisingly, Satan seemed to leave me alone. Sara was a healthy baby.

My goal now is to regain my heart belief of His love and my ability to trust Him. Am I alone in this?

If I could sit with God in person tonight and share my thoughts and feelings, this is what I would say:

You said in Your Word that You would give us the desires of our hearts.Since September I have lived according to Your Word and the desire of my heart is to have a relationship with You that is more intimate and more real than anything I have ever experienced. I am seeking you with all my strength, just like You said in Jeremiah—and you promised that if I seek you with all my heart, that I will find you. I want heart knowledge of your love and I want to trust you.

What Kind of Person Am I . . . Really?

When I was a very, very small child (between 2 and 4), I was molested by my biological paternal grandfather. For reasons still unknown to me, my parents decided to hide that information. I asked a couple of times if something had happened (ages 8, 11, and 17, and 20), and was told (usually in a very harsh tone) that NOTHING had happened and to DROP the subject. And so, when I got older and began having dreams about sexual acts with that man, I became convinced that I was going to Hell, straight to Hell, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. I mean, what kind of person has those kinds of dreams about a GRANDFATHER?!?!

Me.

And according to what I was taught in church, that made me an abomination in God's eyes. Unworthy, ugly, unlovable. A monster!


This is who I want to be:

Patient, kind, trustworthy, loving; someone who trusts others, believes in them and always finds something to love about them. I want people to feel safe around me, happy when they are with me.

I have always wanted to be that person.

But this is who I really was:

Judging, jealous, and envious--always judging others, always looking at their faults and failures so I could say to myself, "Well, at least I don't do that," or, "well, at least I'm not like that," and feel better about myself.

Manipulating--I did, or said whatever I needed to in order to get what I wanted. I lied, cheated people, stole from people, even used my children to manipulate people so that others would do what I wanted them to.

Untrustworthy--If I knew something about someone and they made me mad, I would use my knowledge against them to manipulate and try to control them. I would tell anyone's secrets if it would benefit me in some way.

When I got angry with someone, I fought the way I was taught by my parents; I said the most hurtful, most horrible, most guilt-causing things I could say. Because I believed that everything had to be my way, or not at all.

Who am I today?

I am searching for my place in this world. I am trying to "own up" to my past mistakes. I am ready to take responsibility for all the hurtful things I have done to those around me. I am ready to try to make amends if possible, and if not, to at least acknowledge my actions and ask for forgiveness from them.

I am ready to begin forgiving those who have hurt me. That is a hard journey, so I can see how those I have hurt might not want to forgive me.

I wish I could go back and make better choices. If only . . . right?

Tonight I would say this to God:


You tell us in Jeremiah that You have good plans for our lives, so why then do You allow our childhoods to be sabotaged at such an early age? Why don't You protect us from the things that warp our little psyches, and convince us that we are mosnters, unlovable and unworthy. I understand that there came a point in my life when I became responsible for the wrong decisions in my life. But by the age of 8 I was convinced that I was so terrible You would never love me, no matter what. How do I overcome my feelings of guilt for harming others, especially my children? Why do you give us parents who destroy us?

How do I get past this to find You again?