Tonight I thank the Lord that although I am not where I want to be in my Walk, Praise God I am not where I used to be!!
Today I encountered a test in my love walk. I failed. As a matter of fact, I didn’t just fail . . . I bombed so completely miserably that the aftermath looked (and felt) like a nuclear bomb had detonated.
I love this person dearly, but this is one of two people in my life who can push my buttons like no other. I don’t think I even made it ten seconds after the argument started before I was yelling at the top of my lungs, screaming accusations and insults. Whew! It was bad.
I could hear the Holy Spirit when it first started, prompting me to STOP TALKING and pray before I spoke hurtful words. But I ignored Him because things were said that hurt me. He kept at me, even though I only got louder. It finally got to the point that I had to shut my mouth and leave the premises.
Nothing I say will ever change this person’s mind about how awful I am and how badly I treat people. But I argue away regardless. I say hateful, hurtful, rude things because I can push her buttons too. And the whole time those mean words were spewing out of my mouth I knew it was wrong and felt helpless to stop. When I was finally able to drag myself away before saying even more, the Holy Spirit immediately started telling me to . . . apologize . . . RIGHT NOW!
I still haven’t apologized. It would be a sign of weakness, wouldn’t it? That’s what I tell myself. This person has gone too far this time. I need to show her that I can live without speaking to her or seeing her or having any part of her. Isn’t that what we do? To our parents, our children, our good friends, the important people in our lives? That’s what I do.
If I apologize, then she gets away with being hateful, hurtful and ugly to me. Can’t let that happen.
She’s to blame for my failures. It’s all her fault. I can’t help how I act when I’m around her, right? We all have people like this in our lives, don’t we? Don’t you? A sister, a parent, a child, a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker.
She must be the thorn in my side. She’s the trap Satan uses to offend me and keep me in a pit. She’s the test in love that I cannot pass, no matter how hard I try. She’s the stumbling block that keeps me from moving forward with God.
Or is she?
The truth of the matter is that I am responsible for my life. No one else is. I chose the way I react to people. If a stranger had said the things that were said today, I could have tried to be understanding and compassionate. I wouldn’t have lost my temper, but even if I had, it wouldn’t have been to that extent. My actions were wrong, regardless. That’s not the way God wants me to behave toward another one of His children.
While there may not be anything I can say to prove that I am a good person, there are things I can do to show love and compassion and understanding to others. Actions really do speak louder than words and today my actions were those of a spoiled, temper-tantrum throwing brat. I am not proud of my behavior today. I will work hard to not repeat it.
Tonight I would say to God:
Forgive me for my bad behavior. Forgive the wrong reactions I had and the meanness I showed toward one of your children. I will do better about getting along and being peaceful and calm. Thank you that Your mercies begin anew every morning, and that You give me more and more grace.
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